keep my head up and stay positive(fuck it all, lets just try)

I forgave my sister.

It took seeing someone farther/further/faster/fucked than she is/was/will, hopefully, ever be.

I learned something about addiction and manageable addicts and how the things that motivate us aren’t limited to lust,  gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy or pride in the traditional sense of those words. It could be any number of them combined, like voltron the robot. You could be motivated by a giant robot made up of the sins which tantilize you the most. I am not sure yet how the good side of motivation works, perhaps that is virtue? dear prudence, voltron called and he is a big fucking robot hell bent on destroying you with his action lines and you’d better step it up a notch from being a virtue and get some goddamn action lines behind you and charge your lazer eyes up, cause this will be a fucking bloodbath.

I’ll break down my evil robot motivatins.  pride and envy.

simple. quick now try to unlatch the pride piranaha from devouring your ego? thats one insecure piranaha and it travels with a lot of like minded friends.

Envy is more like a koala. It looks cute and managable and everyone wants it for a pet, its like a koala wearing a rage against the machine t-shirt. Its so rebelious and its ill tempered because its pissed the state of the world is such shit. Correction, that snake in the grass koala is actually envious of the platform and circumstance that those machines it rages against have. I already blogged that over on throwstoneshard.wordpress.com

The far beyond girl that helped me forgive my sister suffered from almost all 7 of the voltron robot parts.

Do not even let me get into maslows heirarchy.

Breathing, clothing, water, sleep, sex, food, shelter and stasis. Pretty harmless. Sort of obvious and given. Everyone needs those. But those are like survival motivations for most. Sure you can trade some for the other, like pokemon cards.  I trade my sex card for more sleep.  I’ve seen hobo’s who have traded most of those cards for addictions.

Managable addicts tend to be able to achieve, or at least appear to achieve those basic needs, all the while being motivated by what addicts them. Be it a voltron robot or a drug or even fear.

Which leads to security. Thats a tough one to maintain. Leaving the nest to Los Angeles really beat the shit out of my security.  Financial and safety both out the window into the cactus infested, palm tree abundance that is southern california.

Addicts need something or someone to provide them with safety and survival at times. I think the fancy word for that is enabler, which sounds like a campy superhero or a bad psychobabble term that Oprah would use.  It is true though.  The desire for stasis is essentially the desire for the addiction to make you feel normal.

I hope I never fall that far down the rabbit hole. I hope my motivations turn virtue from voltron and I feel secure and fuck it all what am I saying. I am obsessed with addictions. I trade them for the other.  Pride makes me a hypocrite. Stasis is hard to achieve. Half the time that little koala rages against what little I find anyway. He likes to eviscerate stasis.

Bri, I love you and I hope you get better than I ever will be.